The Idiopinions Guide to Holiday Shopping and Gift Giving:

So many sites are trying to tell you the best ways to shop this season.

Some say avoid gift cards as many companies are in financial trouble and may not honor them.

Some say to not give cash. It’s impersonal, and full of germs.

Here is a collection of some I have learned over the years from experience.

Buy online: No stores, no crowds, and free shipping if you are savvy. Plus you get that cool feeling pulling into your driveway, seeing a box, and thinking someone sent something to you, only to discover its shit you ordered for someone else.

Beware who you buy from. When the kids beg for an Elmo doll no one has except some guy in Puerto Rico who charges you $400.00 you should be wary. Don’t be surprised if it arrives with a stitched up back full of small baggys of white powder when the doorbell suddenly rings and there is a guy names Jose wanting to know if you got his “delivery.” Try this next time the kids ask for something that you clearly have no chance of getting at any reasonable value… SAY NO!

Nothing says Happy Holidays like sex. This year give the gift of “Artful lovemaking” Just be careful who you give it to. (For example this is not the best way for one guy to announce to other male friends he is gay). Also avoid wrapping yourself. It’s expensive, awkward, and can cause paper cuts in very tender areas.

Re-gift. Some say this is rude, especially when you give it to the person who gave it to you the year before… but sometimes that’s the only way to say to them, “Now you know what it’s like to get total crap from someone. Maybe next time you will try harder to get me something a person wants so I don’t have to give it back next year.”

Avoid gift cards to stores where the name of the store is just what they sell. Nothing says “fuck you” like a gift card to “Shoes”, “Waffles”, or “Big and Husky”

Think… just a little bit. You may love Digital Watches that make a crowing sound every hour on the hour… It does not mean we all do.

Think More: If you buy a set of something real cheap, then split it up and give it away as separate pieces, only for me to find the set on sale at Walmart, I feel jipped, and you look like a douche.

Be frugal, not cheap. There is a difference. Frugal is finding a good value on a good product. Cheap is finding the lowest price forsaking all other factors and giving a person a DVD player that only plays DVD’s made before 1999.

Don’t wrap the $5.00 “Greatest Hits of Sha Na Na CD” in a box from Marshal Fields. We get all excited that we got something name brand only to find out… You got something name brand, and used the box to wrap my cheap fucking CD. Next time I am looking for what you actually bought from Marshal Fields and taking it. This goes triple for wrapping a gift card to Subway in a box from Les Francais. You may thing you are being clever, but you’re just being an asshole.

and Finally, When you open a gift, and it’s clearly crap, and you say “Oh, it is just what I wanted…” Try this instead. Open the gift, make that same face we all make, and excuse yourself to the next room. Then scream about how they always give you the worst shit every year and how they must not actually know or love you at all. Then walk back in with a big smile and sit down and say it is just what you wanted like you think they could not hear you. They will say nothing for sure… but next year you may just get something better or not get invited. Either way, you win!

Happy Fucking Holidays from the Idiots!